I remember sitting alone in my room at 15, day after day, month after month. For years I hid from the world, a lost and lonely teenager, battling the demons inside my own head.
I always knew I was different since I was a kid and the label of "normal" was always so far from reach. On top of feeling like I never fit in, battling with depression and anxiety at such a young age felt unfair. I desperately just wanted to be like all the other kids and I just wanted it all to go away. I wasn't alive for so many years, I was just simply existing, lost somewhere in a void of unknown torment and suffering.
It wasn't until I had explored all the fiery pits of hell did I truly know what the word "despair" meant. But a little part of me, locked away behind a prison of scars, never gave up. I held onto the hope of getting out of this alive and it took tremendous courage and strength to not fight the demons, but slowly, in time, learn to coexist with them.
Even when my psychosis came in full force at 17, I knew what hell was and I soon knew what insanity was. Even then, I was beaten and I was bruised and I was tired. Giving up on life felt like the only way to find peace, but that spark of life inside me didn't want to go. I craved to be alive, to travel, to make friends and connections and watch the sun set, rise and the stars twinkle at night.
I picked myself up, time and time again, and I kept on exploring deeper into my mind. IT took a whole LOT of work over months; failures, various medications, support and stress, but I finally got to where I needed to be and felt alive for the first time since I was a kid. I'm still never going to be "normal", "sane" or "well", but who gives a fu**. I love who I am and I don't regret who I was or what it took to get here. Every step of the way was worth it and if I could go back and change anything, I still wouldn't. It all made me the person I am today and I AM PROUD OF THAT PERSON.
It's not about the labels that society throw at you. Those are just words for things that don't fit into the box of "normal". The way to reach the path of coexistence with your mental illness, is not facing it, beating it or hiding from it, but knowing that:
YOU WILL get to where you need to be.
YOU ARE PERFECT just the way you are.
YOU ARE meant to be like this, and you CAN learn to live again. There's no such thing as "better" but there is such thing as Peace and it's available for all who seek it.
I know it's hard to seek out support when you have given up on yourself or feel like things are too much, but you CAN do it.
You always have had the strength inside you, to climb a thousand mountains and a thousand more. One conversation could change everything and nothing that's worth it in life, is ever easy. It's not a competition or a race, it's about finding yourself from within and blooming regardless of your situation.
Accepting this is who you are now and making the most of that, learning to live again, to laugh again, to smile again and eventually be proud of who you are.
Because you ARE perfect, you are strong, you are worthy of your love just as much as anyone else. You will get to where you need to be, you just gotta keep going and don't look back, don't compare yourself to others and don't judge - you will always be worthy of calm in your own mind ❤️